> Recent Entries
> Archive
> Friends
> User Info
> previous 20 entries

October 8th, 2009

02:55 pm - Monster Mutt Dash Saturday morning, I will be running my first race EVER! Never thought I'd be doing such a thing! It's a 5k to benefit the Berea Animal Shelter. If you wish to sponsor/donate to their cause, go to: http://www.active.com/donate/bereaarf2009/lauramatis It's so weird...just 2 years ago (and almost EXACTLY 2 years ago to the DATE - I started this whole weight loss project on 10/11/07), I couldn't run 3 feet and my knees would scream at me if I even walked up the 5 steps to my apartment. Now? I'm RUNNING 3 miles everyday like it's nothing. Fuck yes :-) Nothing beats this feeling. I feel like I wrestled my life back from some monster that had kept it captive. And I did it all on my own, no drugs, no surgeries, no fads, no help from anyone or anything but my own determination. I've climbed that mountain. Nothing but honest, hard work went into this. And it's something that no one will ever be able to take away from me. :-) Current Mood: enthralled Current Music: "You Better Run" - Pink Floyd

(Leave a comment)

September 24th, 2009

08:00 pm - PROGRESS PICS!!!! *Unrolls Giant Medeival Scroll* Presenting...... THE BEGINNING.... ...... AND NOW, at 185LBS (the smallest I've ever been in my adult life)!!! *jumps up and down with joy - and no fear of breaking the floor, lmao!!* Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: "I'm Too Sexy" - Right Said Fred

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

September 10th, 2009

09:22 am - From 310lbs and barely being able to walk 1 mile to 187lbs and RUNNING A 5K!! I. AM. SO. EXCITED!!! I think I've reached another pretty unexpected milestone. I stopped into Truffles yesterday on my way home from work to say "hi" to my friend Jefferson. He pointed me in the direction of these fliers for a 5k to benefit the Berea Animal Rescue Fund, which is a cause I've always tried to give to in some little way or another. The Berea Animal Shelter is a great no-kill shelter that vaccinates, spays/neuters, and helps homeless animals find homes. Sooo.... On October 10th (9 days AFTER my 30th birthday!! EEEP!!), I will be running to benefit them. In my first race. MY. FIRST. RACE. EVER. Not even 2 years ago, I wouldn't have even imagined entering something like this, or anything that involved moving quicker than a walk. It wasn't that long ago that climbing the 5 steps it took to get into my old apartment made my knees scream for mercy. Now? A 5k? That's 3.1 miles, which is .1 of a mile longer than what I run on my lunchbreaks. That's it? Just do that for $20, and people will donate money to save our furry friends? Hell, why didn't you say so?!? Of COURSE I'll do it!! Why wouldn't I? I can't even tell you how excited I am!!!! x-D So, as I've posted on my FB, my other LJ, and my MySpace: If you don't want to run but want to help me help them, you can sponsor me at ...http://www.active.com/donate/bereaarf2009/lauramatis If you want to run too, go to www.hermescleveland.com. Current Mood: YYYAAAYYY!!! Current Music: "Eye of the Tiger" - Survivor

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

September 9th, 2009

04:18 pm Updated progress picture coming very, VERY soon! Stay tuned for a LauraTheRed update near YOU! x-D Current Mood: excited Current Music: "Don't You Forget About Me" - Simple Minds

(Leave a comment)

August 28th, 2009

11:15 am - A New Low.... After artfully dodging this week's speed bumps and temptations such as after-funeral sandwiches, bread and spinach dip at Matt and Leslie's game night (the trick is to smoke while everyone else is diving into the chips, salsa, and cupcakes...I don't like smoking anymore - HATE it, but in situations such as these it keeps my mouth and hands busy - just as bad for you but with much fewer calories), and my Aunt's suspiciously envious (but failed) attempts at getting me to eat cookies and coffee cake, this morning I stepped onto the scale. DOWN ANOTHER 3LBS SINCE LAST FRIDAY. YES. Yesyesyesyesyesyes!!!! I can feel it, too. My legs feel like tree trunks from biking to work everyday and running in between, with some Muay Thai thrown in there. Jeans that I couldn't even squeeze into this past winter settle nicely (and rather loosely) around my waist. My arms are smaller and more toned. AND I can feel that I take up a little less space in my bed than I did 3 months ago. I am SO CLOSE to my next milestone...I can SMELL it! The next milestone is a rather significant one, since it's the actual weight posted on my driver's license. So not only am I striving to look better and be healthier, I'm also making an honest woman of myself. ;-) According to my driver's license, I've been 180 for the past 12 years. Even when I was 310. But the funny thing is is that the ladies (or gentlemen, but most of the people where I go are women) at the BMV don't even bat an eye at your stated weight. They probably lie about theirs, too, but actually 12 years ago I was just guesstimating, as I refused (out of fear) to step onto a scale. Also, a lot of people, especially ones that have never had any sort of weight issue, don't really have a clue about height-to-weight ratios or how one would actually look at 5'9 and 180lbs. After all, to someone who's 5'3 and like, 110lbs, 180 is enormous and pretty much unimaginable for them. Being 6 inches taller than that and built like your average, everyday Scottish/Viking Amazon woman, it's healthy and maybe even ideal. And I only have just a little, tiny bit to go until I'm there and can judge for myself. Tonight? I think I may just buy myself a cute outfit to celebrate! (and to wear to Missile Command, of course! ;-D) Current Mood: energetic Current Music: "Amazing" - Aerosmith

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

August 25th, 2009

03:58 pm - I WANT TO RIDE MY BI-CY-CLE....!! Well, here I am again. I know I haven't written in here (or my other journal as well) with any frequency in quite some time. I guess I just kinda' lost the urge (Facebook is like, the LJ KILLER...why write elaborate stories about the goings-on in my life when I can post little blurbs and updates expressing myself and related shenanigans, then have lots more time for MORe shenanigans?). BUT, since this is my weight-loss journal, I guess I do need to keep this up, as this journey is not yet over. Since my last entry, my weight has yo-yo'ed pretty substantially. I lost as much as 10lbs, then gained as much as 15. Then lost 5. The got it back. Then lost it again. Then it snuck back on. Then I beat about 8 out of it. But then, I made probably one of the best investments that I've made in this journey; I went and got myself a bike. Now, I had wanted one for quite some time, but also hadn't ridden one since 1993, flying around the hilly, country roads of Spring Lake, North Carolina on my best friend's 10-speed with no helmet, no gloves, wearing cut-off jeans and flip-flops. So I was a little nervous, knowing a whole lot more about the potential dangers at the age of 29 than I was ever aware of (or cared about anyway) at the age of 13. I bought myself gloves and a helmet 2 months before the bike was even in my possession. But as I got used to it, I decided that it was safe (and even advisable) to ride it to work. This was probably the best thing I've ever done for myself, as not only am I saving all kinds of $$$$$$$$ on gas, I'm riding at least 15 miles a day - and since I got the bike in the beginning of August I've lost almost 9 lbs. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to my new best friend: The Trooper As for me? Let's just say new progress photos are not far away ;-) Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: "The Trooper" - Iron Maiden

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

May 20th, 2009

12:57 pm - Tell me lies, Tell me Sweet Little Lies.... A couple days ago, I made two "Memory Lane" albums on my Facebook page to house some of my oldest and fondest memories, and because a few friends were asking me about all those old pictures that I used to post on LJ all the time. Going through those photos really, REALLY drove it home to me just how far I've come...and the crazy denial I had let myself fall into for all those years beforehand. It's really easy to lie to yourself, you know? "Oh, these jeans just shrunk in the wash...maybe I'll get the next size up so they won't do that." "I'm just having a Fat Day" "I must be getting closer to my period." "I'm sad/angry/fill in emotion here, I deserve [insert bad food here]." "My clothes don't fit, but I still look good..." Apparently, I spent 8 years lying myself up to 300+lbs. Also? I didn't even KNOW that I was OVER 300lbs (or even close to it) until I stepped onto a scale in October of 2007 the day when I started this project. I never weighed myself. Why? A.) My mom had thrown out our old scale, and neither one of us were incredibly eager to go out and get a new one, and B.) I was always too afraid to look anyway. I guess that's another factor: Weighing yourself regularly. It's alot harder to lie to yourself when you have the numbers glaring you in the face every week. It makes you want those numbers to make you happy rather than making you want to curl up crying on the loveseat with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and reruns of The Golden Girls. I do this and go one step further and take measurements, especially now. Now I'm at a semi-normal weight for my height, so when I work out and build muscle, this sort of fucks with the number on the scale. So when that number gets me a little sad, I use the measurements to reassure me that I'm not blimping out despite running 3 miles a day among my other activities. Here's the compare/contrast that really made me think of that whole "lying to myself" thing: April 2006 celebrating gothictier's new house on Coutant. Orie and me in the basement of the Chamber in 2005...BEFORE we were together: Now, here's two pics that Jeremiah took of me just this past weekend. The ironic part? THIS is what I THOUGHT I looked like BACK THEN (lies, sweet little lies...): But seeing this also just fuels the already raging fire inside my chest that I WILL NEVER LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN. Ever. Moreso? I'm going to keep going until I'm 100% satisfied with myself. That's one emotion that I've never felt, but I will. Nothing will get in my way of that. And to punctuate this statement, I'm now going to go on my daily lunch break jog. Bye! :-) P.S. I'm jogging up to the bike shop after work today to possibly purchase a new ride. Wish me luck! (No...REALLY...WISH ME LUCK. I haven't been on a bike since I was 13... :-O) Current Mood: Awesome Current Music: "Little Lies" - Fleetwood Mac

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

May 14th, 2009

10:15 pm - Pain and Exhaustion Right now, I'm at Truffles completely dragging ass. During my rather chaotic and annoying work day, I took my daily 3 miler. Now, my tummy has been bothering me lately, and I could probably also blame this on the 7 (yes...seven...) martinis I had downed at Lava the night before, but by the time I was halfway done with my jog my stomach felt like I had swallowed burning coals. It was so unbearable at times that I almost stopped running (I NEVER stop). I pushed myself to keep going back to work, figuring that the faster I got back, the faster I could get to sit down. And because I'm crazy and felt like I needed to punish myself for last night's indulgence, I went to Dave's for Muay Thai after work. I did pretty well, but my tummy still seemed pissed. Now I'm at Truffles with the kickass Mr. Fred Shade, and nothing is helping it. Could I have an ulcer? Ugh. I'm also ready to pass out on this loveseat. I'm sure James won't mind. We cool like that. Current Mood: ick Current Music: Beauty is pain, right?

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

May 6th, 2009

12:46 pm - Damnit, Mother Nature, you WHORE! She keeps threatening to rain on my running time. I'll run anyway, don't get me wrong, it's just...annoying. Also, for the past few days, I've noticed that the 3 miles that I've been running on my lunch break have just gotten too easy. Yesterday, it just didn't feel like enough. I know, strange, right? A year and a half ago I couldn't run 3 feet. If you had told me I'd be running 3 miles I would have laughed at you and rubbed my poor knees at the thought. Now? While my knees still aren't exactly tip-top, they're a hell of a lot better off without carrying the equivelent of 2 people on them. But I've noticed that my body adjusts to things really fast, and I guess my workout regimen is no exception. So, I guess it's time to, as the Libertines would say, up the bracket. Instead of jogging to Public Square and back today, I'm going to run down to W9th and back, a pretty solid 4 miles. I've also thought about making a game out of dodging the panhandlers, like the more I have to maneuver around them, the higher score I get, LOL. On a side note, if I were a panhandler, why would I bother a JOGGER for money? You know, because I always carry lots of cash on my when I go running. It feels really good in my sock....(wtf?). Anyway - 18lbs down, 10 more to go until my mini-goal is met. Strong Laura Face. Rah. Current Mood: energetic Current Music: "Wrong" - Depeche Mode

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

April 27th, 2009

04:03 pm - Hello Again I update. I know it's been awhile, but..well...since this is my weight loss blog I guess it's been until now that I've had something to update with. So this means yes, my pretties, I am shrinking again. During the past 2 1/2 months, I had allowed my weight to creep back up to 208, due to stress and drinking to relieve stress then eating because I would drink so much that I would forget that I had already eaten. It also didn't help that I frequent a coffee house that's owned by the family that started Orlando Bread (yes...the Orlando Bread), and makes all their own goodies (James can tell you several stories of my drunk ass stumbling in there and eyeballing the cinnamon crunch muffins). But then, it a nutshell (or really it was more like a BOMBshell), it hit me. I said to myself: "Self?" "Yeah?" "You're better than this. You're LAURA! FUCK this nOIZE, yo!" ...or something to that effect. So I did just that. I fucked that noise. Yo. On 3/23, I started a plan of burning a MINIMUM of 3,500 calories a week (as 3,500 calories = 1 lb), no matter what it is, and I log what I do and how much I burn everyday in a Notepad document on my laptop. I view that 3,500 as a bill I owe each week, and since all my bills get paid before I do anything at all, I've developed quite a commitment. I also figured running has to be more constructive than eating. Everyday on my lunch breaks, I run from where I work on E33rd and Superior Ave. to Public Square and back. From this muy helpful website here, I calculated that running those 3 miles burns roughly 519 calories on my body per day, so I get the majority of that weekly "bill" paid off just from this, and I can do whatever on the weekends (even though since it's been so nice that I end up wanting to work out anyway, I have been going WAAYYY over...as a result this past week I burned 2,000 calories more than I had to - bonus!). Anyway, before I start busting out Excel spreadsheets and flowcharts and boring you to tears, I'll report that so far I've lost 13lbs and roughly 2 inches off of my waist since I started this. I stick to my normal eating plan, but I do admit that there are days when I make myself not eat at all (it's nice to see that needle on the scale drop, and when I see it I just can't bring myself to do it, you know?). It's not to a point where it's dangerous, but I have noticed that it does help. My first mini-goal is 180. Then I'll see from there how much more I want to lose (because even now at 195, I don't look at all like I had imagined I would when I was 310). Today I ran the entire 3 miles listening to "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor, LMAO. I know, it's cheesy, but honestly? The lyrics are kind of how I feel right now. Well, not so much the chorus, but the versus are like, "YEAH!" I must punch Dave's punching bag.....Muay Thai. Rah. :-) Risin' up, back on the street Did my time, took my chances Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet Just a man and his will to survive So many times, it happens too fast You trade your passion for glory Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past You must fight just to keep them alive Face to face, out in the heat Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry They stack the odds 'til we take to the street For we kill with the skill to survive Risin' up, straight to the top Have the guts, got the glory Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop Just a man and his will to survive Current Mood: Fuck Yeah Current Music: Take a wild guess....

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

February 18th, 2009

06:54 pm - Just because it pertains to this blog.... My friend Everyman commented on a blog I posted on LRS, and then he switched gears and asked me about my weight loss. I thought it was a pretty decent thread, so I'm x-posting it here (since none of you are on LRS). ------ # Comment by everyman: February 18, 2009 @ 10:38 am |Edit Comment I’ve been curious as to how your outlook in life has changed since you lost all the weight. I remember following your progress whenever you’d post about it here, but hadn’t heard much about your personal interactions with people .. if they’re treating you differently, if you’re treating THEM differently, or if you feel not just a sense of confidence, but also maybe a sense of empowerment? # Comment by LauraTheRed: February 18, 2009 @ 12:26 pm |Edit Comment It changed EVERYTHING. I remember I had gotten to about the 75lb mark or so, and I was at the grocery store. The bagger guy was being really happy and smiley at me, but I figured he was just in a good mood. But then the cashier was being really nice, too (nicer than I was used to being treated). So I’m thinking, “Wow, what a friendly store!” as I was leaving. But then I headed over to the Phoenix, and I hadn’t been there in awhile. That same barista that had always been kind of “whatever” to me was like, “Hi! How are you today? What’s up?” I started looking around like, “WTF is going on?”, thinking I was being followed by a hidden camera or something. It wasn’t until a few days later (and other similar interactions) that I realized that it was because I looked better. But not only looked better, but I also looked like I FELT better about everything. I wasn’t aware of it, but I’ve had quite a few people tell me that I looked alot “grumpier”, more depressed, and tired before I lost weight. I think I did, too, now that I look back on the photos. I wasn’t happy with me, so how could I possibly be happy with my surroundings? And who wants to be around THAT? I do have a much more positive outlook now. I have a crapton more confidence, I take and deal with things alot better than I used to, I don’t have half the anger issues I used to have, but on the flipside I take alot less bullshit from people because now I know that I simply don’t have to. Like, “Fuck you! I’m hot! You can’t treat me like that!” LMAO. # Comment by everyman: February 18, 2009 @ 12:36 pm |Edit Comment hahaha, cool, thanks for taking the time to explain that. It’s what I kinda figured went down but there is no substitute for a first-hand account of the reality of people’s attitudes towards one’s appearance. You brought up a significant point about FEELING better. Looks are one thing, but attitude is EVERYTHING. If you walk into a place smiling … you’ll be treated much differently than walking into a place scowling. Smiling while talking to someone makes them smile too. Positivity begets positivity. Of course you’ve had first-hand experience with it being the other way around. You walk around with a scowl all day, guess how everyone else will treat you. Current Mood: athletic Current Music: "You Better Run" - Pink Floyd

(5 comments | Leave a comment)

January 25th, 2009

11:44 am - *double take* I just stretched in front of the mirror, and I was actually able to see my ribs!!!!!!!! :-O !!! I haven't seen them since 'Nam (or like, 2000, if you want to be a dick about it)!!! So I just weighed myself, and I'm down to fucking 185!!! THREE more pounds?!? I didn't even do anything!! Well, I guess I can attribute it to my tummy feeling all jacked up lately and not eating much (if anything). Maybe I really do have tapeworm? Damn, and I was just joking about that... T minus 25lbs to go until Hotness ;-D Current Mood: surprised Current Music: "25 Miles" - Edwin Starr

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

11:44 am - *double take* I just stretched in front of the mirror, and I was actually able to see my ribs!!!!!!!! :-O !!! I haven't seen them since 'Nam (or like, 2000, if you want to be a dick about it)!!! So I just weighed myself, and I'm down to fucking 185!!! THREE more pounds?!? I didn't even do anything!! Well, I guess I can attribute it to my tummy feeling all jacked up lately and not eating much (if anything). Maybe I really do have tapeworm? Damn, and I was just joking about that... Current Mood: surprised Current Music: "25 Miles" - Edwin Starr

(Leave a comment)

January 23rd, 2009

10:17 am - Rapid Weight Loss So I woke up this morning... And holy CRAP! I'm down 10lbs since last Wednesday! *checks for missing limbs* Well, I know the scale isn't lying, because my jeans are alot looser, and a skirt that was a little too tight on me before now fits like a glove. My body loses weight at the weirdest paces. For like 3 months, it was stubbornly hovering between 205 and 195 (even got to 208 around Christmas, which depressed the hell out of me)...and last Wednesday I weighed in at 198. Today? 188. WTF?!? Hopefully it will keep this up...I'd like to lose the last 28 at least by the end of March. Current Mood: impressed Current Music: "Supermodel" - RuPaul

(Leave a comment)

December 10th, 2008

09:48 am - Whoa! So this morning, as I groggily crawled out of bed at the sound of my 5:00am alarm to get my ass to the gym, I thought I'd step on the scale to see if anything was lost this week. At first, I thought my eyes were blurred from the sleep stuff that gets in them, and that coupled with my for-shit eyesight, I thought I was seeing the numbers wrong. 7 POUNDS down....in LESS THAN a WEEK... I immediately checked all of my extremities to make sure that they were still there and I had not somehow lost them in the night. Did some wacky doctor sneak into my apartment while I was sleeping and remove any vital organs? Nope, no incisions (well, unless he was really good). Damn! Hey, as long as my body is still intact, I'll take it! This of course spiked my motivation for the gym this morning, and I worked out like I was on FIRE, baby! I think the little old people were staring at me like I was some sort of nutcase, but I had energy up to HERE! (*holds hand way above head to indicate high energy level*) Fuck yeah! I almost danced on that treadmill, and I think I made the spinning machine smoke up a little, LOL. I left drenched in sweat, freezing my ass off on the way to the car, and smiling ear-to-ear from it. :-) If I keep this up, I might even be smoking hot by mid-January! *does Snoopy dance* Current Mood: STOKED Current Music: "Fire Woman" - The Cult

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

December 6th, 2008

05:37 pm - Operation: Evict Last 30lbs Of This Effing Project Already! Well, I was going to head up to the Y today, but when coming home this morning I experienced the shit roads and shittier weather, so I decided to bust out my trusty DDR pad and hand weights instead. In 1 hour, I burned 1,345 calories in the Workout Mode in DDR, and then I did craploads of arm exercises. LAURA = POWERHOUSE!! I have to say, my arms have always been the first thing on my body to look good when I lose weight. Even when I had only gotten down to 265, my shoulders and biceps were already emerging very well. By the time these last 30 are off of my body, I'm going to have one pretty nice pair of Angela Bassett Don't-Fuck-With-Me arms. At least, this is what I'm going for. In a nutshell, my unofficial goal is to have people look at me and go, "Wow, she's hot..and she could kick my ass!" LOL. Not that this isn't true now (according to some, it's either or both, LMAO), but I do know it will actually be a cold hard fact once I approach the sacrosanct goal of 160. I think I've rekindled my fire with this. 1 year, 2 months, and 120lbs ago my initial motivation had been ignited out of pure, raw rage. I was not going to waste the rest of my youth not being able to do so much as walk around the corner to the Phoenix. So I channeled that rage into busting my ass, with stubborn, determined blinder vision keeping me focused on "the prize". As I started to get to certain points in this journey - being able to wear normal sizes, getting noticed, being comfortable in my own skin - that rage subsided because, well, I didn't have much to be angry about anymore. I look good, I'm comfortable, yadda yadda. Now that I'm so near the end, I think I've been dawdling. "Stopping to smell the roses", I guess you would say. That sense of urgency that overcame me on October 11, 2007 isn't at all prominent, as I've gotten small enough to at least be able to enjoy my youth, and more importantly myself and the people around me. But I recently realized that I can't let that stop me anymore, either. That would mean that I'm settling rather than keeping after the thing that I had been working my ass off for in the first place. It's like telling that part of me that busted her ass with that deep-seated determination "160? Nah, you'll get to 190 and that's close enough." I can't do that to her. Also, not everybody can do what I've done. Sure, it sounds like I'm patting myself on the back here, but in reality I think I deserve to. It took kicking myself pretty hard in the ass to get over the overwhelming reality of having 150lbs to lose in the first place, and then getting off said ass and actually accomplishing most of this in a year. Not everybody would have the balls/titanium ovaries to do this, so yeah, I'll freely admit that I think I'm pretty damn cool for it. And I think because this is such an arduous task that I owe myself as well as anyone that might watch me and go, "Hey! If she can do it I can!" to see that task through to the very end, and finally pull out of this "rest stop" I've been loitering in for 1 1/2 months because "it's comfy". Hell, if I think this is comfy, imagine what my goal will feel like, right? Right. Onward and...well, downward I guess! LOL. Hell-Bent Laura Face. Rah. x-D So keep on kicking The bomb is ticking Don't stop, don't be a runaway Go for the fire Baby you're tough enough Just keep on living And don't start giving The devil good reason To get you in the seasons of heartbreak Baby you're tough enough - Vanilla Ninja :-) Current Mood: Yeah, Baby... Current Music: "Back in the Saddle" - Aerosmith

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

December 5th, 2008

04:52 pm - You know... ...I just realized something; I haven't uploaded a progress pic since I was 210! <--- SLACKER!!! I should probably do this, considering 20lbs have been evicted since then, LOL. Anyway, expect those soon, and sorry for the delay (Distracted Laura Face). Current Mood: ADD Current Music: "Blush" - Razed in Black

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

December 3rd, 2008

08:16 am - I know, you thought I was kidnapped by gypsies, didn't you? I'm sorry, I'm a bad weight-loss blogger. But I have an excuse; For the past few months I've been a bad weight-loss enthusiast. You know how it happens; stress seeps its way into your life, which causes you to make distractions for yourself in order to deal with it. That tiny cocktail sure feels better than the thought of a treadmill, right? Bad Laura. Bad, bad, BAD. LAURA. A few things happened to me this weekend, from tiny and trivial to a revelation sparked by somebody rather subhuman, and a few things hit me: 1.) When's the last time I was at the Y? Yeah... 2.) Maybe it's my imagination, but I don't feel the firmness in my upper arms that I had before, or in my thighs, which makes me feel like a pile of jello. And the brand of thinking it's my imagination is what got me into that 310lb mess in the first place. Running and weights will fix this, so I've thrown myself back into a small routine. 3.) You know, as thick-skinned as I have learned to be over the years(when you're 300+lbs for as long as I was, you tend to learn how to let shitty comments roll off your back), part of me is pretty pissed off that after losing 120lbs, which is an entire average adult female, that the first thing someone would go for when trying to attack me is my weight. As I'm not fat anymore, I honestly thought I was past that point, but apparently not so (or maybe it's a matter of perspective to someone who has most likely always been tiny). But it brought me to this conclusion that I had already been tossing around in my head anyway; I'm pretty over this Not-Fat-Not-Thin purgatory that I've been nesting in. The glory and novelty of getting under 200lbs has long since passed, and even though I've fluctuated between 5 or 6 lbs, I've experienced no significant loss since then. But this isn't a plateau, it's me coasting and maintaining rather than working to chipping away to the finish line, which is what I should be doing. My youth is ticking, and even though I can do all kinds of things now that I wasn't able to before (walk around the corner, cross my legs, lift large appliances - maybe even all at the same time!) it just boils down to the fact that I'm not happy here, which means that I'm not done yet. It would be different if I had gotten to 195 and went "Yay! This is where I want to be for the rest of my life! I feel fantastic!". But I don't, and lately I just feel unattractive and have no idea where my motivation went. Last night after mulling this over for the umpteeth time, I got a surge of that motivation. Before heading to my friends' house I stopped at the grocery store and tore through the isles, selecting all the health food I need. Although the produce is going to have to wait until a trip to the West Wide Market on my lunchbreak today (there is no possible way that I'm paying grocery-store prices for produce - fuck them), I grabbed things for work and home, like chicken, turkey, oatmeal, and yogurt (part of what's facilitating this has been not having any real food in the house, which made me lazily eat out rather than going to the damn store, making excuses like, "Oh, I've had a rough day" or "I'm stressed, I deserve this" and yadda yadda - and I can't blame my currently not-great living situation on this anymore. Fuck that.). It just boils down to the fact that I'd busted my ass to get something, and I owe it to myself to obtain it. And I can't let dumb life shit keep me from falling short of it. Strong Laura Face. Rah. Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: "Tough Enough" - Vanilla Ninja

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

October 21st, 2008

09:46 am - I've been a BAAAAAAD girl.... Ugh. I need to update more often. The good news is that I lost 8 lbs this past week and a half. Hooray!! The bad news is that, the week before, I had GAINED 8lbs because I just couldn't stop celebrating my birthday (Okay, Laura, it's been a week...put down that drink...PUT IT DOWN...c'mon...What, now you're going to breakfast after the club?!), so I'm pretty much back to 192. Hey, I'll still take it. But I'm back to buckling down. I want to lose about 32 lbs by Christmas, because I have the incessant need to be SMOKING. MOTHERFUCKING. HOT. by then. Why? Because I spent almost all of my 20's being fat and in denial of looking as bad as I did. This is the last year of my 20's, and I want to go out in style. So I figure I'll start 2009 fresh with this project FINISHED and DONE WITH, so I can move on to OTHER projects that challenge my other talents in life (talking to Esmeralda's friend and beginning that book, putting my nose to the grindstone with my music project, and maybe working in a painting or two because I miss the hell out of painting...it used to be such a wonderful escape for me...). Don't get me wrong, I'll be watching my shit like a hawk, and the minute that scale goes past anything more than 5 lbs, I'm SO kicking my ass again. I just want to be at the point of maintenance already. I've worked so hard for so long. I mean, I know lately, since I've gotten down to a more acceptable weight to where I not only can do more things but feel a hell of alot more CONFIDENT doing them, I had been sort of tapering off of my routine because I've been...well...enjoying myself TREMENDOUSLY. For the first time in YEARS. I feel that the time where I hole myself up in my house, workout, isolate myself from other people out of shame, and try to visualize what I'd look like if I looked "normal" is over. It's time to enjoy my life. And I can enjoy it while finishing this up, I just have to be cautious of HOW I'm enjoying it. You know what I mean? Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: "Eye of the Tiger" - Survivor

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

September 14th, 2008

10:20 am - Ok,ok, I'm updating!! But I do have some FANTASTIC news.... Ok, I've lost another 5 lbs, but this means something else even bigger... I AM NOW 195....I'M NOW FUCKING UNDER 200LBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dances and sings* IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M EVERY WOMAN... IT'S ALL IN MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..... ANYTHING YOU WANT DONE, BABY I'LL DO IT NATURALLY... *cue disco ball and large pants* I have not been this weight since I was 20. As in, NOT EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO FUCKING DRINK! Now I wished I had kept my clothes from back then, even though they'd look silly nowadays (fashion has changed alot in *almost* 9 years..*alomst*...I'm still 28 for another 2 1/2 weeks, goddamnit). And I have to say I'm almost in as great a shape as I was back then. Well, I just might be equal to that, but I have not yet tried running 6 miles like I did those years ago. But I feel like I can. I know I can already run 4 without stopping to walk. I do have to say, though, the attention I've been getting recently is something I'm not quite used to (obviously). It's weird, because even though I'm a pretty solid 16/14 these days, I still have "fat" ingrained in the back of my head as part of my identity. So when I'm somewhere and a guy is looking at me, I either think, "Asshole, he's looking at me because I'm so huge" or "He must be some sort of mental weirdo". But then I remember I'm NOT huge, like I have to keep giving myself "the memo". I can see where this can be dangerous, because sometimes I'll be out with my fellow comrades, and a guy will start talking to me. So being the person I am I just chat back and figure he's just trying to be nice or he's just a really friendly person. But then "the eyes" come out (ladies, you all know what I'm talking about), and I'm like.."What? No! Why would he want me in the first place? I'm ginormous!". Then, "the memo" gets handed to me again, and I'm like, "OH!....damnit!". Then I back away and take protection in my friends. Well, speaking of my fellow comrades, I'm about to meet one of them for lunch pretty soon, so I have to go get unstinkified. Current Mood: enthralled Current Music: "I'm Every Woman" - Chaka Khan

(4 comments | Leave a comment)